I’m still haven’t found what am looking for

I’m still thinking about this dream. It left a bad taste on I certainty and sorrow. I’m even afraid to talk about it; not knowing how to react ; not knowing how to meditate about it; not knowing who to tell, made my self. ascertained of my own self confidence.

Writing would be my solution, my refuge, my secret lover. I grew up being my own confident. I longed so much to have a sister, it never happened. Looked for one every where like single men look for a date with a fainted wish of finding the real person, but nah — disappointment invaded my thoughts and heart.

I began building a fortress around my heart.

My mind on the other side; like a union at a factory, started to put pressure on my thoughts, that slowly started to gain weight on their conquer.

Am I loosing my mind?

Wtf

During my last chat; I got a proposal.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I got happy

Really

But being married and having taken the big promise in front of many and God, found myself defeated.

By myself?

I longed for so long; in my search for happiness and accomplishment in my life; to have a family, a good job, cute pretty house, travel and share the world with my family.

I got it. Thank God.

It took a lot: almost all of me.

Got sick

Got a stroke

Lost my left eyesight

I faced humiliation and racism at very early age, not only at home, but at school, college, work.

• I saw it at the hospital
• I saw it at my physiotherapist appointments
• I saw it in the streets
• I saw it in the subway
• I saw it in the news

Even something simple as the air we breathe in was selective of where to strong as a storm and gentle and cozy in some areas.

Crap. Even nature is selective.

Ok- you might be thinking now -

What’s my point?

Through out all my written stories I tried to portray that everything is possible. Resilience.

I’ve been feeling like a punching bag lately; but still going on. Alive and kicking. Holding onto life, holding to my longing wishes.

At a point in my life where I thought that love and happiness was not available in my list of ingredients, it was there, hidden in plain sight.

My past didn’t matter anymore. Whatever sins and flaws were taken.

Paradise was opening their doors for me.

Scary.

But I was scared that my next step could bring me down with all its weight to a deeper darkness of miss fortune and sorrow.

Hesitation grew like a bad weed grows in the garden in Spring, around my heart sucking up every loving thought and feeling.

Scary.

Damm scary.l